Album: Player Select (2014)

Glass Joe's Title Fight

[Glass Joe (Danny Sexbang):] Bonjour! Hello!
My name is Glass Joe
I'm ze toughest French boxer zat you're ever gonna know
I'll score a TKO then drink a fine Bordeaux
And flatten all my opponents like croissant dough
I fight next week for ze champion belt
Mr. Sandman is tough, and I might need a little help
So I hired Doc, he once trained an elf
Named Little Mac so now, I believe in myself!
[Doc (Egoraptor):] I'm Doc, ha!
This bitch is gonna die!
His overall record stands at 1 to 99
He's been hit in the head seventy-five too many times
Now he wants to fight Sandman?
Dear God, WHY?!
His head and his ass about to go through an estrangement
I think I'll start making all the funeral arrangements
I have to be responsible and tell him he can't win--
[Glass Joe:] Here's ten bucks!
[Doc:] Fuck it
Let the training begin!

[Glass Joe:] Whoa, whoa
I'll be the champion
I have the heart of a lion
[Doc:] That's really not gonna be enough
[Glass Joe:] I've got the skills
[Doc:] No, you don't
[Glass Joe:] I've got the power
[Doc:] Wrong again
[Glass Joe:] You'll never catch me
I am like the Eiffel Tower
[Doc:] That doesn't move!
[Glass Joe:] Whoa, whoa
I'll be the champion
I'm building an Arc of Triumph
[Doc:] That took, like, thirty years to build
[Glass Joe:] Got my beret
My eau de toilette
I'll break the Sandman like a stale baguette
No sweat!

[Doc:] Now it's four weeks later
And it's time for the fight
I'm sad I gotta watch a man die tonight
[Glass Joe:] Do not worry, Doc
Glass Joe is built to last!
[Doc:] You get winded when you open up the fridge too fast!
Your weight training diet's all wine and cheese
You've got the body of a man with an awful disease
Your arm muscles look like a deflated apple fritter
And your punching bag is filled with cotton candy and glitter
[Ding ding]
[Glass Joe:] Zere's the bell!
Zanks for your help, Doc!
[Doc:] Yeah, see you in Hell
[Glass Joe:] Zis is my moment
Vive la France
All of my training
Has led to this chance
I benched ten Q-Tips, I ran five feet
I did a half-pushup, victory will be sweet!
There's Mr. Sandman, here he comes!
But I believe in myself so I have already won!

Whoa, whoa
I'll be the Champion
I have the heart of--
Oh! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ahh!!
Whoa, whoa
I like candy corns
Please put them in my donuts
Ugh!
[Doc:] Yo, you beat the French out of him!
[Glass Joe:] I have my--
Ugh! Agh! Ough!
My favorite color is seven
Awgh!
No more peanuts for me, stewardess
Godzilla is my dad